My Glimmering Light

I cannot bear to hear the
sound of my own heartbeat,
It should be a beautiful phenomenon;
a sign that you are still living,
breathing,
but I am afraid.

There is a low thump
that quickly hastens its pace,
my anxiety heightens,
my breath seizing.

It is as if
my heart will burst out of my chest-
I’ll bleed to death
or maybe my blood pressure will soar-
a pulsating headache ready to explode;
It hurts,
Why does it hurt so much?

My sleep apnea
has me gasping every night
for air,
erratic thuds
creating a lullaby of dissonance
with each
inhale and exhale.

I stumble
in my lightheadedness,
there is nothing for me to hold on to,
to keep me from losing my balance,
the metronome within me will not
stop ticking.

Gravity pulls me through
the surface of the Universe,
the echoing of the drums grow distant
but the vibrations never stop-
my bones
tingling.

I am slowly falling into
an abyss of darkness-
and I open my mouth to
scream,
cry,
but nothing comes out.

The dark abyss of the night
is starless
with the exception
of a single, glimmering light;
in the moment, I forget
about the incredulity of
my fleeting, palpitating heart
and begin to
find myself drifting
across the thin
mist of clouds.

“Please help.”
I beg,
reaching out for
an outstretched palm
coming into vision,
my grasp of hope-
I am compelled to run into those
vast open arms,
my embrace of acceptance-
I am caught up in a pair of
chocolate brown eyes,
my refuge.

I am no longer falling apart
into a void of destruction,
but rather,
I am falling into place
seeming so right-
a shooting, incandescent body
being drawn to another;
a contradiction to
the ending of a
tale between two
star-crossed lovers.

I take the leap
and feel my soul
aligning with his,
this is the gift of the Universe-
tears are streaming down my face and
I can finally breathe!
I hold on so tight;
never wanting to let go,
a sob escaping out of my lips
as my chest uncontrollably surges
with relief.
I screamed until my voice had become hoarse,
felt everything that needed to be felt
because he allowed me to-
and
I am no longer in pain;
he has taken my hurt away.

I press my ear to his chest,
hear his heart beating just as fast-
a rhythm matching mine:
Calm and comfortable
in the deafening silence.

I then realize that
I am no longer afraid
of the beating of my own heart.

---

Featured Image

This poem conveys certain emotions I have never really expressed verbally to my glimmering light, as I tend to shyly peer at them from underneath my lashes; however, I did not want to hide what I felt and decided to write a poem of endearment to them instead.

My main focus was to depict the journey of how my untuned heartstrings (“I cannot bear to hear the sound of my own heartbeat.”) initially felt until they were adjusted and able to create music again by a gentle strum of affection (stanza 9). It has always been a struggle for me to think that I was deserving of anyone’s attention at all- let alone be offered with intentions from the heart, and being with this light has brought so much warmth, comfort, a place to belong, and impacted me such that I am slowly gaining more confidence (“I can finally breathe.”), and the idea of  being accepted as well as deserving to receive what they have given me. I took inspiration from the song “Light of My Life” by cvmel, with the specific lyric, “You light up my life even when it’s dark”, to symbolize him as a light.  Love can be scary (referring to why I was afraid of my own heartbeat), but as a certain phrase goes, “Choose love over fear.”, and that is what I have chosen to do (“I take the leap”).